Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.