I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*lint rolls you awake*
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.