Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Awwwww shit.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.