“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
You Might Also Like
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
the noise i just made
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.