Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.