To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
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Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.