doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Somebody call the cops.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names