“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
yes yes a thousand times yes!