Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*