ππ»ββοΈ
You Might Also Like
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapperβs car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries iβm ready
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
βThen we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.β
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
fake deep people on this website will post like βdo not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding youβ because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: Iβm here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. Youβll be fine.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. βΉοΈ
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Iβm giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.