Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Does your wife know you’re single?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”