Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE