“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t