Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger