[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.