women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.