My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.