I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“Why you watching this shit?”