For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
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Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war