I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
They grow up so quick
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.