Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
You Might Also Like
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
marvel comics have peaked
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it