Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
dictator is short for richard potato
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Lmao
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Pretty much. 🤣
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!