I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
the clam before the storm
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it