I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
3% human
97% stress
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Happy Star Wars day!
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.