Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker