I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
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Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I’m literally crying
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.