all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Sending in my taxes
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.