I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
You Might Also Like
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Just got to our Airbnb!
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.