nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Worth remembering.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
#merica
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?