*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
dutch so unserious
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me when the borders lift
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”