Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good