[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Said the murderer.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
…..pretty much.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
and now we wait
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”