*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Baller is short for ballerina
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.