No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Worth remembering.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them