Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Yes, but it was never about money
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n