*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card