One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
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When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”