Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
🤣could you imagine
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.