Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
When someone trying to leave me
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”