Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
You Might Also Like
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.