*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.