Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.