*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
me before I type out affect or effect
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
True freaking story!
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them