What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If only.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok