Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
You Might Also Like
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Can. I. Help. You.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.