*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
You Might Also Like
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
For the baby who has everything
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
😂😂😂
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*