Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!