therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You Might Also Like
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Love is always patient and kind.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
What my back needs
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?