A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?