Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
You Might Also Like
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.